6th September, 2019 Friday
Well, Dream Kite has roiled but left me blind and grounded and wakeful in the middle night. I reach for ear buds and an audible fantasy novel I have visited before, Magician, Apprentice, Book 1 in The Rift War Saga by Raymond E. Feist. Nicholas Guy Smith is the reader. When my psyche is spinning with have all those questions which hit in the mid dark when the soul should be wandering in the upper regions but for all the things which lock it down to flesh middle dark chain it waked writhing with its doubts, fantasy can work wonders for me.
Remodel, really resurfacing this home which may or may not be mine as time goes on but impermanance is existence, is it not. Change is Law. Sorry, I am contractor for a painting project and reflooring project. It galls me to pay a middle person who knows nothing about me or my dogs to organise shit around my home, my shell, yes people I am a Cancer, Crab, as I choose to change it.
I have chosen to listen to music documentaries in order to disengage from the fears of whether I have made expensive redo choices. So far so good. Paint is beautiful. We will see if laminate floor able to stand to the abuse me and my Zoo can wield.
The latest of these documentaries is on Acorn TV, Sound Breaking.
The third episode is about the human instrument which is the voice.
I have an animal for a voice. I have garaged it for three years. Since I sang my mother to sleep with lullabies her father had sung to her and she had sung to me and I had sung to my children.
I have felt that she grabbed it, my voice, she had grabbed it as she left.
While she was alive, she was never comfortable with it, this animal in my throat, as it clarions an emotional response from whoever hears it when I unleash it. She felt uncomfortable as my vocal clarion called her inner unforgivens.
My brother is good at the entertainer.
I do not entertain.
This documentary spoke to my inner vocal jailer. So many producers of the great voices talking about the support track for the variations of the gift of voice through the ones who have been donned.
I am one.
All the producers behind the great voices all had the same awareness. Emotion is the key. You cannot synthesize emotion in the human voice through a machine.
I have shitty rhythm, my pitch is great and my vocal range is huge. But I feel caged by my immediate family culture.
But I know I have the shit,
I have always known.
I need to sing again, I guess.
Tea With Me 